"Parts of Life" version 2. Date 2007-04-20. Excerpts from Diary of Rob Oudendijk Screaming on your iron house, screaming "Lelijk mens" and not even listening. It looked like a movie from my point of view. Monique called me "Lelijk mens" and did it so arrogant, without any feelings and any sensibility at all, it seems she was so desperate to call me that that she didn't even looked at the mirror. She would have been the one that she called the other. And the way she was looking was also the same as she was trying to express. How arrogant can one gets? How can she argue about ugliness when she is like that? She tried to be right and persuasive by keeping repeating the word and didn't let me speak. Maybe this is just the main point of the relation problem. Her looking at ways the way she things is right. Her point is the main. Her limited reality is for her the way it only can be. Her choices in how do things are so important for her that she thinks it is the truth. My directness and my way of thinking, doing things are not her way. And we shouldn't argue if they are right or wrong they are just different. Her way to make herself think she is strong I have to laugh about. Same with trying to pull herself together by having a operation. Ohh yes she wanted that badly not only to make herself more attractive but much more for proving towards herself that she is worthy it. And disserve this special treat. How ,much more the opposite at the other side of my life. Yuka trying to find ways out of her mental troubles by so many ways. So sensitive so much more direct and open for solutions. Her ability to do just that is so much more humane so much wiser. Not knowing where this life brings me makes me feel like a bird but the relation with my children, Monique do also seem to be deep rooted into my path and my flight. I see, want to continue with the making of the movies I started but the current state of immediate work and responsibilities are deep embedded into the time gaps left between yuka, abiko etc. My life now between the track in train, portable seems so far fetch compared to the time I was working for BirdLand. So far from everything that was at them a stable life. How tomorrow will be is still not know. The days after tomorrow will even be more unclear.
	"Parts of Life" version 3. Date 2007-06-30. Excerpts from Diary of Rob Oudendijk It is hard to escape and leaving Monique and the children in a mess. I had warned her three times during the day That I would leave at 22:30. But she wanted me to do so many things, why every time added more and postponing others. Monique just before I left called me a ash hole. She was the one who didn't want to live with me any more. She was the one who wants to go to other place with the children and leave me here. So why would I still adapt to her. Just because she is the mother of my children? She could have still have me much more often around if she wouldn't have kick me out of the common bedroom, let herself go though the emotional process of taking distance from me, added self-esteem to make operations on my account to make her body the way she wanted to be. And many more ways to take distance from me. I was hurt enough by years of abuse. I did accepted it for years but finally it was just too much. My family had warned me before about her behaviour but I still could see so many good things of her. Still after all what has happened and what still can and will happen I can see her good parts. She can be so thought full about many things. She could have though about those things before. Still I do support her in so many ways. But I need the sweetness of Yuka. She is wonderful but also I am still confused with her. Her choices to lie to me makes me still confused. Why would she lie to me? Why would she lie to her mother who she adores and loves so much? I can one way understand it but on the other hand I can see the limited function toward a lasting relation. Maybe I am strange and weird. I prefer to hear and know the truth how terrible and painful that can be. Then to lose the trust of someone I love. I feel something is going on in her about taking distance from me. Because I was getting to close and commenting about her relation with her mother. And I feel she is trying to get closer to some friends (male or female) to compensate for the dependency she develops towards me. Also she feels a bit strange the last few days like she is developing some relation with an other person. Today I was also happy with Nie she was so helpful with everything, we made together salad, I gave her massage and I felt nice with her. Bo had a naught day just hanging out and watching video's. I escaped a few times to phone my sweet Piranha. Talking about family meetings etc. Also announce my intent to talk about my thoughts of the last few days.
	"Parts of Life" version 4. Date 2007-09-17. Excerpts from Diary of Rob Oudendijk On the way to my wonderful sweet YUKA. She was so sweet thought the phone just telling was she had done in NY. All I wanted to do was listen In the plane people look, act so ordinary. I live in a time capsule. It was bad last days the email to YUK reflected my feelings towards her. I need her around me. Her sweetness make me addicted. The last weeks where so nice as things could be as beautiful as I ever experienced.. I do not know if Yuk realised that. I could commit myself toward her if she needed that for continuing our relation. Monique was upset again about her frustrations with her project. So she blamed me and told me that this was the last project together. So what is left between Monique and me? She accused me of being a barbarian, the cruelest person she knows because I allowed Nie to find a place where she could stay. Nie was upset and cried. How could Monique say that to me? She talks all the time about moving away with the children. So leaving me behind with Yuka (she gives me so much even trough so simple things) but also want to take care of my children. I made them so I have to take care of them and I love them although they often do not see it, or realise that. I cried too when Nie put on a music clip about a breakup of a family while she was washing dishes. She didn't notice it but I felt the same pain as her. I want to be around my children too. It becomes more and more clear that I want be with YUK and even leave my children. I know it is painful but if Monique cannot be more reasonable to me and not so frustrated I have no other option. The children are getting too much upset with the mental games she plays with me. On the plane, the feeling and realisation that every thought, every breath, every piece of food, every sound I hear will bring me closer to my love. Makes me desire and also wonder where this dependency wills go to. Never in my live I have been in so opposite worlds, never so much the desire to see and just to be with one person. And more and more I can appreciate and adore Yuk being. Sometimes if I cannot understand her I do hurt her, not on purpose but I do. It is not so easy for her. And I do understand her way. (To see the legal owner of this site, click here). Privacy Policy .